Trying therapy.

August 17, 2010

There is a point of over thinking, over analyzing.  A point at which you trip yourself up too many times because you are walking forward with your eyes cast backwards.  Or you stay glued to a spot weighing the options instead of just picking one and then another and another until something works right.  Nonetheless, I’ve decided to invest in weekly therapy.  To afford it I have given up two things that keep me relatively sane: a housekeeper and fresh flowers from Sammy’s.

Early in my college career I was an urban studies major.  I would later take a fiscally responsible direction and switch to accounting the middle of my junior year so I could pay the rent when I graduated.  While studying city development, though, I was immersed in sociology and physiology classes.  Putting together the puzzle pieces fascinated me but I started college at age 16.  The concepts were fairly abstract to me.  What life experience did I have under my belt to make real sense of complex causes and reactions? It was much later that first-hand experience with autism and menopause would better explain human biochemical functions than any textbook. And there is nothing like real world experience with a sociopath or unscrupulous businessman to open your eyes to differences in human beings.

Throughout the following decades as people spoke of therapy I would wonder what it would be like to learn more about myself from an objective resource, someone to keep me honest, to lend perspective and knowledge.   All the while I wondered, “Would therapy be like so many quizzes you take, you know, the ones that are fairly worthless because you can guess what the “right” answer is and therefore easily manipulate the conclusion?”  Dissecting my psyche remained an idle curiosity as long as I led a charmed life, which I did.

Why do therapy now?  When a family member recently became somewhat unspooled and hurled hurtful things in my direction I saw the writing on the wall: my uncharmed life was establishing itself with more than a single sequence of “three bad things.” I was in for many multiples of three bad things.   I dialed in for a life raft!

Also I hate being depressed. It is absolutely draining.  There are so many things I’d rather do with my time.  Blue has never been one of my favorite colors. Never.  As muddled as I might be, I know sustaining a steady diet of anxiety, sadness and grief will not make me a more compassionate person nor make me more accepting of my mistakes. I have hit the point of diminishing returns with this venture. I cannot think of anything positive that will come of continuing to spiral downward.  It is past time to slip back into the girl that would sustain a giddy feeling for days and spread the cheer around to others.  She didn’t have a crystal ball but she thought the future held wonder, opportunity and hope and her spirit was infectious.  She’s been gone for so long I don’t know if I’ll get her back but every once in awhile I see a glimpse of her or hear the lilt of her singsong voice. Logic keeps chasing her away. Logic tells me I may not have another good shot at someone special to share life with and financial means to always keep a roof over my head – the things that sustained her through trials big and small in the past.

I may be approaching a few months of therapy with a pretty tall order but I’ve got one of my dad’s cloth handkerchiefs tucked up my sleeve and I won’t know until I give it a go. It’s a kind of balancing act.  While I’m learning some new skill sets during my workday, I am equally determined to pick up some life coping techniques on my Tuesday lunch hours.


19 Responses to “Trying therapy.”

  • Russell Burkhart Says:

    Wow — a most honest unburdening of self. I’ve never gone the therapy route (yet), but have enough self-help/analysis/self-enlightenment books that if stacked on top of each other would certainly exceed my height. I would think the therapy process could be excitingly revealing to gain the “detached/disinterested” other person point of view. Hope it yields benefits and new reference guide points you can put to good use…it should be an adventure…perhaps unpredictably so.

  • Michael Says:

    I would suggest that you give yourself the gift of time. It is okay for your life to suck for a while. It’s been about 5 years since my life came completely unraveled. As you deal with each obstacle, you come closer to the other side of the abyss, even though you can’t even see the other side. Then, just as suddenly as things came unraveled, the planets line up for you and things you never thought could happen do. You find the old you again, with the swagger of success. The finest steel has to go through the hottest fire. You’ll be an even better version of the old you, because you’ve conquered the despair.

  • Pam Says:

    thanks for sharing your very deep hurt and determination to be a different person ! Instead of giving up your flowers, maybe you can look or advertise in your neighborhood for a local gardener who will share a few blooms with you each week ! Blessings on your journey

    Pam

  • Sue Thompson Stees Says:

    You are such a beautiful spirit and from the time I first met you, I felt your strength and saw your capabilities. I know that your confidence will return and you will be stronger than ever. I know you can once again find your passion and place.

  • Jewel Klemke Says:

    Our own nephew endures from autism and many ended up being thrilled to discover that she was fascinated by the touch of these water beads. You can check them out at waterbeads.net

  • Trix Says:

    Jewel: I watched the video on YouTube twice and shared it with a few friends. What an intriguing product; I did want to feel the beads. Thank you for sharing the idea.

  • Trix Says:

    You have always inspired me. Thank you for the love you so generously shower on me. I remember Joan Hoar sending a quote years ago that seems to fit. “One must travel through many villages to find one’s home.”

  • Trix Says:

    Pam: With your suggestion in mind I walk a slightly different route to the dog park. There’s a bistro with beautiful white lillies in outdoor containers. And I stop to smell them!

  • Trix Says:

    Michael: It helps so much to have someone like you to look to – someone a bit further along the path. Thank you for lending me a hand and an ear.

  • Trix Says:

    Making the decision was rather like an unburdening. Asking for help doesn’t always come easily. After just one week I am encouraged and I can tell you the hour goes very quickly!

  • kredyty bez bik Says:

    It does seem that everybody is into this kind of stuff lately. Don’t really understand it though, but thanks for trying to explain it. Appreciate you shedding light into this matter. Keep it up

  • Trix Says:

    Funny you should say, “seems everybody is into this kind of stuff…” On each of my last two plane trips when chatting with my male row mates, each said, “You are newly single? Going to therapy?” One was my age, the other probably 15 or more years older. Have to say, having to report in weekly (I can fill 50 minutes like it is 10) does make me think about what I am doing a bit differently. Or it could just be that it is a huge learning phase…

  • kredyty bez bik Says:

    Very good post. Hope to see more excellent posts in the future.

  • prasa codzienna Says:

    this post is very usefull thx!

  • Trix Says:

    Thank you – glad to hear it. One of my more revealing essays. Probably due to write a post on the actual therapy experience. All good!

  • david deangelo Says:

    Informative post, saved your blog with interest to read more!

  • fitness equipment Says:

    Hi! I love your website, I really love reading your articles:)

  • Trix Says:

    fitness equipment: Thank you! My weekly therapy calls (long distance) have been a great learning experience. I do almost all the talking (!) but it makes me stop and take stock regularly – invaluable!

  • Marvin Gagg Says:

    Every now and then I come across gems like this, thank you!

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